August 11, 2008
So, time for complete honesty. I don’t very often write these types of posts. Whenever I do, I re-read them and think they sound too whiny and end up deleting them. If there’s one thing that drives me crazy it’s someone who whines about how bad off they are. I so don’t want to come across that way. On the other hand, I don’t want to be one of those people who is always putting on the facade of everything being roses until they are about as real as Dolly Parton’s girls. So, here goes.
There aren’t many things I really HATE about parenting, but two things spring immediately to mind. 1) Sippy cups of milk that mysteriously disappear into the unknown and then suddenly appear days, weeks, months later for you to rip out of your child’s hands seconds before they try to suck down the cheese inside, spontaneously causing you to feel like the world’s most negligent mother and worst housekeeper at the same time. 2) Potty-training. How can so much pressure, guilt, fear, and dread be contained in one little word? I hate potty-training. I try to laugh it off, roll my eyes and pretend like it’s no big deal, but it is. I know for some potty training is a breeze, and for others it is, at worst, a slight annoyance. For me it is something like torture. I don’t think any other area of parenting has caused me to shed so many tears, spend so many hours discussing, reading, and worrying. Everyone and their mother has some little tidbit of advice to share. I’ve probably heard them all. I’ve probably tried them all. Still, it lurks like a bad tooth, never knowing when it will flare-up again and what will trigger it. Nothing to me carries as much stigma and guilt as being the mother of a child with potty problems.
Some of you may be wondering, “what the heck is she talking about?” A little back story for you. We started potty training Emily when she was about 2 and 1/2. We are still potty training her. That adds up to three years of ups and downs, worry, guilt, fear and second-guesses. I won’t go into all the gory details, my 20/20 hindsight, all the things we’ve tried. Suffice to say, we have a very stubborn, independent child, with two stubborn, inexperienced parents. It was not a good combination in this case. She will go days, weeks with perfect success, then suddenly, for no reason we can figure out, there will be accident after accident, ranging from small smears to major blowouts. And yes, we’ve talked to the Pediatrician about it.
I try very hard to keep these feelings to myself. Of course I talk to Christoph about it, but I don’t want to put the burden of my guilt and frustration on Emily. They are still there though, no matter how hard I try to hide them. I feel so sad that my beautiful little girl, who is so smart and talented and sweet cannot seem to master this basic skill. I feel guilty that somehow I caused this and I am not a capable enough mother to teach her how. I feel frustration that I can’t find any helpful answers. I feel angry when some insensitive person makes some useless recommendation as if I’m just not trying hard enough and don’t care. I feel alone because I don’t know anyone who can really relate.
Maybe you’re asking yourself why all this is suddenly coming to the forefront. Well, it’s time to start potty training Katrina and I’m scared to death. I’ve been putting it off, making excuses, procrastinating, but I no longer can. This morning Katrina almost yelled at me, “no more diapers, I want panties!” Before you get to excited, she has still not actually gone in the potty. And she pooped three times today. It’s not going to be a miraculous transition. As I cleaned poop off the toilet, the floor, her potty chair, and her I just wanted to cry and run. Instead, I took pictures of my enemy, the potty chair. Weird, I know, but it did distract me until I could get my feelings under control.
I hope I don’t sound devoid of hope. Like I said earlier, I am pretty stubborn. I don’t give up easily. So, I’ll stick with it, using the knowledge I’ve garnered in our experience with Emily, and hopefully coming out on top. I cling to Jesus’ admonition not to worry. I try my best to lay my fears and burdens at his feet. Unfortunately, I seem to keep taking them back. Fortunately, each day is new and I get the chance to try again, praying His grace will cover my children, and help me conquer my nemesis.
August 8, 2008
You may remember my previous post about kids saying things that can sound unintentionally incriminating. Well, I have a little follow up here. Recently I bought some fresh thyme to use in a recipe. Of course they don’t sell you just a tablespoon of the stuff, so I had quite a bit left over. I decided to dry it instead of throwing it away. So, it’s sitting on the counter spread out on a paper towel. Today as I was making lunch, Katrina climbed up beside me on a chair as she is wont to do. She likes to supervise and snitch bites. Suddenly she proclaims, “look Mommy, there’s your special grass!” pointing to the thyme. I couldn’t help but laugh. First my older daughter is calling me a pot head, now the younger one is talking about my special grass. I don’t do drugs, I swear! Thank goodness CPS has better things to do then eavesdrop on our conversations.
July 21, 2008
Micah, I can’t believe how big you are already. I was expecting the time to fly by, but it is still catching me by surprise. Last night for the first time you gave me a genuine smile. You’ve be practicing for a few weeks now, especially those sweet little smiles in your sleep. Lots of those getting ready smiles, when you’re staring into space and they seem to be elicited by some mysterious force. Then last night the smiles were the full-fledged, absolute, real thing. I took you out of the bath tub and wrapped you in your towel and I was snuggling you a little bit and staring into your eyes and you cooed and I smiled at you and you gave me a huge grin. You were trying so hard to talk, your mouth would work and work and then a little coo would come out. I’d talk back and you just kept smiling and smiling. Of course I called Daddy over to see, and you looked into his face and rewarded him with a big smile too! It’s one of the most beautiful things a parent can see. It wasn’t a fluke either, because you did it a few times today too.
You are growing like a little weed. We went to the MD for your check up and you weigh 11lbs, 5oz now! You still have deep blue eyes and your funny little cowlick that looks like a silver streak across your head when the sun hits it. You still get the hiccups several times a day, but it never fazes you. Your little arms and legs are filling out and getting those Michelin Man creases I just love to squeeze. You lare landing somewhere in between you sister on the pacifier/thumb issue. Emily was a hard core thumb sucker. Katrina didn’t want to have anything to do with either. You will sometimes take the pacifier and like to suck on your fist, but haven’t fully committed to either. We’ll see where that goes. I’ve been taking hundreds of pictures of your perfect little toes which Daddy teases me about unmercifully. I can’t help it, I just love you and you are so beautifully and wonderfully made.
You are making your place in our little family. Your sisters love to talk to you and have been great little helpers. It’s a challenge sometimes keeping them from smushing you in their excitement. You are getting more fun everyday and soon you’ll be in the mix, keeping up with the best of them. Love you sweetie!
July 18, 2008
It’s time to play…
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Round two:
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June 11, 2008
We’ve survived the first week. It hasn’t been too bad. Of course, Christoph had three days off work and my mom is here, so the hardest part is just the lack of sleep. Micah has his days and nights mixed up. During the day he sleeps like the dead, barely waking up to eat. Then at about 11:00pm he wakes up. He is happy awake, but wants to be held and nurse non-stop. When he does fall asleep he wants to be held, if you lay him in his bed he wakes up right away and fusses. I try not to do the whole co-sleeping thing because we have a waterbed and it’s not considered safe, but if he’s asleep on my chest and I don’t roll over, I figure it’s ok, just not very restful. Last night he actually slept in his bassinet for part of the night, so we’re making progress. He’s a sweet little guy. He only cries when he’s hungry and getting his diaper changed. He manages his big sisters’ lop-sided strangle holds pretty well. He gets the hiccups all the time. Without fail, if he falls asleep and I lay him down, he’ll start hiccuping about two minutes later. We haven’t had much success in getting pictures with his eyes open, they haven’t been open very often. When he does have his eyes open he always gets this worried little old man look. I think it’s because he sees these loud yelling blurs flashing by and he’s afraid he might get sat on. Diaper changing a boy has come with a bit of a leaning curve. This kid has gone through more clothes in the first week then either of his sisters. He keeps catching me off guard and suddenly everything’s wet! I just have to throw in here, that Christoph has only changed two diapers so far, scaredy cat.
I have been spending a lot of my day sitting on the sofa holding him. I can’t get enough of all his little parts, fingers, toes, ears, skinny little legs, rosebud lips. Part of me feels like I need to be doing something more productive, then Katrina runs by and I know if I blink it will be him. These sweet halcyon days of cuddling are so short and I can’t make myself put him down. I stare into his face and he is so innocent and undemanding. I’m not saying infants aren’t work, it’s hard not to sleep, but the work is so elementary. You feed them and change them and love them and that’s all. There are no power struggles, no figuring out how to train without breaking their spirit, no back talking, no emotional drama, no making messes, no tantrums. I’m not saying there aren’t many wonderful things about older kids, but for me the parenting they need is so much more involved and so much more exhausting then just losing sleep. So, I’m sitting, soaking in this baby and cherishing every second the best that I can, in-between giving the older ones the attention they need. Thank you again to Grandma for facilitating many more moments of Micah gazing and cuddling then I would have on my own.
Some pictures of Emily at the hospital just before we went home. we just have video of her meeting him the first time. The ring is from Christoph. He’s given me one for each baby. 
June 5, 2008
Well, our little guy has made his appearance. Micah Daniel was born yesterday, June 4th at 5:59pm. He weighed in at 8lbs, 10oz. It was a slow, long labor, but we both made it through and he has been a little angel since. He is a snuggler and very sleepy right now. We’ll see what the next few weeks bring. His big sisters were excited to meet him. Katrina couldn’t get enough of cuddling her “baby brudder.” I have a feeling she is going to keep me busy trying to prevent any unintentional maiming. I don’t have much to say right now, but I wanted to post a couple of pictures. More will come!
June 2, 2008
My brother Joel had the song, “It’s the Final Countdown” on his cell phone for a while. I would hear it every time I would call him. I have had it ringing through my head for the past few days, pretty much whenever I think about this baby coming. Which is a lot, since he is quite large and it’s hard to move without noticing him. The lyrics of the song can be applied to pregnancy in a weird sort of way, “We’ve got no one to blame, Will things ever be the same”. Maybe I’m just losing my mind…
Anyway, I thought I’d do a quick post, as it might be my last chance during this pregnancy. I can’t believe nine months have passed already. I started off this pregnancy with a bit of trepidation. Feeling like maybe Katrina was still too little and wondering if I can handle three kids, not to mention strange feelings that something was going to go wrong. Luckily, Katrina was keeping me so busy I didn’t have time to dwell on that for long. Between feeling completely exhausted and nauseas, it wasn’t much fun in the beginning. Then came the second trimester, when it was easy to forget I was pregnant at all because of all the other demands on my time. Then those little flutters would remind me and I would feel very overwhelmed. Then the last trimester and the frantic concerns that things weren’t ready and never would be. Now, it’s the end. My mom will be here in five short hours and all the important stuff is in place. The house is fairly clean and I am telling myself to relax and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, because it could end any time. I still wonder if I can be a good mother of three, but at this point, I’m in full baby anticipation mode, so I only think of it on bad days when I have no patience for the girls. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying that wonderful, indescribable feeling of a baby kicking, and putting in as much cuddle time with the girls as I can. We took some pictures of me last Friday at 39 weeks. I just have to wince a little when I see them, it’s a little hard to see the beauty there. Then I remind myself how completely amazing it is that the human body can do that. I mean really! I don’t enjoy having a poochy belly, saggy breasts, and too many stretch marks to count, but really, in the long run who cares. Not Christoph fortunately. I’ve never been into two piece bathing suits anyway! Sorry if these pictures are too graphic. Christoph was having fun with perspective, and even though it pains me to look at them, I kinda think they’re cool at the same time. Isn’t it amazing how clothes can camouflage? I wanted to make some black and white, so they wouldn’t be so stark, but I don’t know how. =p Christoph has been too busy for that, maybe I’ll change them tonight, if I’m not in labor…Five more days until my due date!
May 31, 2008
May 30, 2008
A quick little post just for silly, as Emily likes to say. As anyone with kids will tell you, you never know what’s going to come out of their mouths next. Usually it’s not too difficult to trace the origin of their expressions and exclamations. They usually, for better or worse, tend to repeat what we, as their parents, say. However, this one had me stumped. A few days ago Katrina and I were out running errands while Emily was at preschool. One of our stops was the bank, which Katrina loves because they hand out stickers. As we were waiting in the drive-through, she suddenly exclaims, “My sticker, oh joy!” She proceeds to chant in her little piping voice, “Oh joy, oh joy, sticker, sticker, oh joy!” until she is given her sticker. I was laughing and at the same time thinking, “What?” That is not an expression either Christoph or I use. Occasionally, I will mutter a sarcastic, “oh joy”, but I couldn’t remember having done it at all recently. Of course I shared this story with Christoph and he was stymied as well. Then today, understanding dawned. My girls both like to watch a show called Backyardigans. Today, Emily woke up very early, so Christoph turned it on for her before he left in the hopes I could sleep a little longer (that worked, by the way). I came downstairs later, just in time to hear one of the characters exclaim, “I get to be in the spiffy club, oh joy!” Hmm…does that mean my kids are watching too much TV? In the last month, I would say definitely, but at least their mom’s not in the loony bin, which is the other alternative. It is a relief to know she wasn’t being sarcastic at the tender age of two.
May 20, 2008
Today is my anniversary, or should I say our anniversary? Anyway, you get the picture. It’s a little hard to believe it’s been eight years, although in some ways it feels like we’ve just always been married. I’m not really sure what I want to say in this post. I’m married to a great guy and I consider myself to be very blessed to have him. He is a great provider, a hard worker, considerate, patient, loving, kind. He is a wonderful father. I love how he can turn almost anything into a teachable moment, in a fun way. He has never balked at doing his share of all things in childrearing. He is so patient with me, always willing to listen. So, I love you Christoph! Thank you for all you do!
On a less sappy note, what have the last eight years entailed? It’s interesting to me to think about what “life milestones” we’ve accomplished together.
*We have moved four times, including to a different state
*Purchased our first and second house
*Completed two degrees. BSN for me, Master’s for Christoph
*Had children
*Bought a new car
*Invested money
*Got life insurance
*Started a business
Ok, so this is just a small list of things that come immediately to mind. Two people who are married go through so many things together. I mean those are just big things. How about all the little decisions and tasks that you do together everyday? I know single people do a lot of these things too, it’s not the doing them that’s the point, it’s the doing them together. You can’t help but be close to someone you’ve argued with, cried with, laughed with, everyday for years. I think of all the things that have happened, how we’ve grown and changed over the past eight years and it kind of blows me away. It’s only been eight years! Imagine after being married 25, 50! I hope I never take any of it for granted, because I know the day to day can easily become mundane and expected. I’m so glad not to have to do life alone! I love you Christoph!
So, time for complete honesty. I don’t very often write these types of posts. Whenever I do, I re-read them and think they sound too whiny and end up deleting them. If there’s one thing that drives me crazy it’s someone who whines about how bad off they are. I so don’t want to come across that way. On the other hand, I don’t want to be one of those people who is always putting on the facade of everything being roses until they are about as real as Dolly Parton’s girls. So, here goes.
I hope I don’t sound devoid of hope. Like I said earlier, I am pretty stubborn. I don’t give up easily. So, I’ll stick with it, using the knowledge I’ve garnered in our experience with Emily, and hopefully coming out on top. I cling to Jesus’ admonition not to worry. I try my best to lay my fears and burdens at his feet. Unfortunately, I seem to keep taking them back. Fortunately, each day is new and I get the chance to try again, praying His grace will cover my children, and help me conquer my nemesis.
